| ok. so i don't know what's wrong with me today. i'm in between feeling lost, depressed, lonely, scared, anxious, happy (or at least content), rebellious, and...nothing. i don't know what's wrong. i have an idea of what started all this, but i'm not sure how one thing led to another which led to another. i feel like there's nothing to do, nothing worth my time, and that everyday is just another boring, routine day in my life that needs extreme change. i need to do something different. and i don't just mean go to college. it's different. i feel different. i'm not...me. at times, i feel such an urge to go against all unspoken "norms" around here and just do what i want to. but i can't. it's like i have this invisible yet very strong protective net enclosing me, preventing me from seeing all possibilities my life has to offer.
at other times, though, i feel depressed, tired, lonely. today, i could have gone on and on walking aimlessly around this same-ol', common-place house feeling like...nothing. i had urges to just go back to my bedroom and curl up into a ball on the blankets and just lay there, with my back toward the door, doing...nothing. i fought the urge so many times even though i was so tired. once though, i couldn't stand it and i gave into my desires, if that's what you want to call them, and i fell back onto my bed and stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. i felt like crying, but i couldn't. nothing came. no matter how hard i tried, it wouldn't work. i just ended up laying there, thinking of...life. but not life as in how wonderful it is or how involved it is or how many different roads i could choose to take. this time life embodied itself as a strangely horrific cluster of chaotic things and people in my life and anxieties to accompany each one of those things and people. i got up from that weird episode and walked to the dining table to play...solitaire.
i spent this afternoon and tonight making my friends' gifts and spending time with my family. my mom helped me make my gifts and then we all had a family night, listening to music and playing cards. we laughed, we had a good time. it was so much fun, and i'm really going to miss those times. but, when i was hugging my dad, looking up at the ceiling, i thought i couldn't want anything more. i was happy. or at least...content. i had everything i could possibly ever ask for. then i thought, why do i then think of standing up against these people i call family and why am i so depressed and lonely sometimes...if, indeed, i do have everything that i could ever want right here? i get so confused, ashamed, and anxiety-ridden when i try to figure it out: if i'm happy, then why aren't i...happy?
then, tomorrow, my mom has her 6 month checkup at city of hope. i'm scared. i dunno why. it might be because she's always scared for these things (always unnecessarily fortunately...). maybe it's because her friend that was going through breast cancer shortly after she was, one that she was helping to counsel, just got a reoccurence. i just got chills up my back. i just have this fear that i'm taking all i have for granted and that all of a sudden, it could be taken away...like *that*. oh, God, please don't let it happen again...
someone, something please come and take this all away and make my summer the best i've ever had... i don't want it to go to waste like this.
good night, everyone.
 elaine
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i always feel so good after working out! if i didn't get sore after so long, i would do it all the time haha. after that, i showered and felt really good. i ate a good lunch well after the advised "45 minutes after working out..." and then i went to sleep, well after the advised "30 minutes after eating..." lol. i must have slept about an 1 1/2 hours because i woke up to my dad being home from work. 
yeeehaaa! lol 
then, i applied for fastweb student blogger. you have to be a strong writer and able to write 250-500 word installations weekly for 6 months. you get paid, and it sounds like it fits me! soooo.... i hope it turns out well! 
today's been a wonderful day and i hope all yours were too! 
when is this ever going to change? what does it take? when will i get the guts to say, "guess what! i'm 18 and an adult now and i'm going to do what makes me happy and what i think is right!"